Ever notice how you can be totally confident in one situation—then feel like a nervous wreck in another? One minute you’re relaxed and cracking jokes, the next you’re overthinking every word. You’re not alone.
The truth is: confidence isn’t one-size-fits-all. It shifts depending on context, people, and pressure. And that’s totally normal.
Let’s break it down with three simple reasons why this happens—and what to do about it.
1. Confidence Grows Where You Feel Safe
We naturally feel more confident in places where we feel safe, accepted, or in control.
- Around close friends? You know you won’t be judged.
- At work doing something you’re good at? You feel capable.
But new environments or unfamiliar people trigger a “threat” response, even if there’s no actual danger. Your brain says, “This is new—be careful.”
What to do: Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel unsure. Confidence doesn’t mean never feeling awkward—it means showing up anyway.
2. You’re Holding Yourself to Different Standards
In some situations, you allow yourself to be imperfect. In others, you expect yourself to be flawless.
- With friends, you don’t stress about saying the perfect thing.
- In a meeting, you suddenly expect yourself to sound like a TED speaker.
That pressure creates anxiety—which crushes confidence.
What to do: Lower the bar. Not in a lazy way—in a real way. You’re not there to impress. You’re there to connect, contribute, or just be present. That’s enough.
3. Your Confidence Is Based on Reps, Not Personality
Confidence isn’t a fixed trait—it’s built through repetition. You’re confident where you’ve had more practice.
- You’ve cracked jokes around your friends a thousand times.
- You’ve spoken up in meetings twice.
See the difference?
What to do: Start seeing low-confidence moments as training grounds, not tests. Every uncomfortable moment is building your confidence muscle—even if it feels shaky.
What You Can Do Right Now
- Think of one situation where you already feel confident. What makes it feel safe?
- Choose one area where you want more confidence, and take one small action there this week.
- Catch yourself when you start raising the bar too high. Say, “It’s okay to just show up as I am.”
